Transference And Counter-Transference

Sigmund Freud, the famous 19th Century psychiatrist, discovered during patient therapy, some of his patients were treating him like someone else. He discovered that some things he said sometimes made these people behave to him as if they were in a past relationship. The patients actually started behaving like they were interacting with this other person and not with Freud. He went on to describe a behavior he called projection. Projection is when a person "projects" their feelings onto another person. They talk and interact with the person they are projecting to as it is them. There are many reasons why people do this. A kind of projection is transference and counter-transference.

Let's say you are talking to someone about an issue or maybe trying to ask them a question. The person you are talking to may overly react to you even though you aren't quite sure why. Their behavior to you may slightly seem odd. Or something you say makes them suddenly behave very different. It could be the way you are asking questions. It could be what you are asking about. You might ask yourself what did I do? The person you are talking with will have no idea they are behaving differently with you. You may ask them about it, but they won't be able to tell you why they are behaving like this. If you reverse the situation, you may get triggered to behave someway around a person because of what they say or do without you knowing why you are doing it. You may know you are doing it, but not know why. This is transference and counter-transference. These are phenomena which are only just that, an interesting behavior which a perceptive salesperson can use to help understand certain situations.

When transference happens, the person you are interacting with is experiencing a past unresolved issue and unconsciously, they are associating you with that person in their past. They don't know they are doing it, but their feelings about that past experience or person have re-surfaced and you are the target of them. Unwittingly, you triggered a reaction in this person and they are associating you with a past experience that may be good or bad. This can explain why people or customers may behave toward you in an unexplained manner. Sometimes it's sudden anger for no reason or it can be like the person treats you like a long lost cousin they were very fond of. This can explain why some people have blind spots or get on Short Lists. Also, it can start off a new relationship on a bad footing. Don't expect people to be connected with what they do and say. Even though some unexplained behavior is very clear to you may not be to the person you are interacting with. The problems associated with a relationship you have with a customer may be very difficult to deal with. A classic case of transference with a customer is when you call someone and as soon as they find out you're a salesperson they get irritated at you without even knowing what you are going say or do. They have negative feelings about salespeople which they are basing on past experiences. In this case instead of unconscious, this is conscious behavior. I don't make a distinction between conscious and unconscious transference and counter-transference as whatever you say or do has triggered a response from the person which is based on a historical relationship from the past. It has nothing to do with who you are.

There is a chance you can do something about it. (Unless whatever you've triggered in the person is really good and you don't want to jeopardize losing it!). If the person is angry at you and they can articulate why they are mad at you the transference is probably conscious. If it's conscious, you can very gently try to engage them in a discussion why you are different than whoever they think you remind them of. If they are remotely responsive, you might be able to convince them you're not like this other person they had a bad experience with. Hey, the problem could be a tie that you wear is unusual and it coincidentally is the same one a previous overbearing boss wore the day they canned them. They might tell you, "hey, that's the same tie an old boss of mine wore." This may seem like an innocuous comment, but you should pay attention because they are telling you your tie is evoking feelings. Because they mention it, they are asking for discussion because these feelings are strong. While this may seem a little too deep, if you ignore things like this you may plow into trouble.

If the person is having unconscious transference with you, it's going to be a problem. In the case of the tie the person will only react negatively to you without letting you know why. While there can be many reasons why someone may get mad at you for no reason, one of things you should consider is unconscious transference. If you think this is what is happening, you may be able to avoid it by not talking about it and hopefully nothing will happen. You have to be very perceptive to figure this out, but you may be able to do it. Worst case, be very neutral and DO NOT engage them in their anger or ask them why they are treating you this way. This could inflame them even more because they are frustrated they can't articulate why they get so mad. They don't have to get mad at you. The feelings may be that you are untrustworthy because of a past experience. All they know is there is something about you that's making them feel uncomfortable. They can't articulate it. Trying to deal with this directly is a bad idea. Try to figure out what's wrong without talking to them about it. If the person you're having problems with is critical to your business, you might ask a